How do I deal with the emotions after finding out my baby is a stillborn .I am 36 weeks and 6 days and waiting for labor to start?
*hugs* It’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of support.Find someone to talk to. I suggest a therapist, because this is long-haul grief. I lost my daughter at 28 weeks 17 years ago, and I was just thinking how crazy it is that I still look in baby carriers as if I’m expecting her to be there. She’d be 17 now, not a baby. And still I look. Wtf.I suggest a doula. Loss births can be gross, okay? Kyrie’s birth smelled terrible and I was very ill. (But she’d been dead for more than two weeks.) Your partner might not be up for this and s/he may be grieving, too. Get someone you can yell at if you need to yell. I accidentally called my mother a bitch during Kyrie’s delivery and she refused to come out for any of my other births. A doula doesn’t mind if you yell. Or at least, she won’t hold it against you.As for the emotions….I’ll be frank. I don’t *remember* the month to six weeks between January and April-lish of 2021. I remember bits. I know my husband literally bodily tossed me into the shower a few times. I know he fed me a few meals. He had to cook them, too. We probably lived on Taco Bell. Like I said, I don’t remember. I spent most of my time curled up in our bed, sobbing my brains out. Or writing. So much writing. If I wasn’t writing or crying, I was asleep.Take a friend with you when you go out anywhere. Your friend’s job is explaining why there is no baby. Everyone will ask. You will NOT make it through even the grocery store without breaking down, anyway, so that friend will be your rock. She may have to drag you from the produce department past some other pregnant chick whose eyes you suddenly long to claw out (do not undererage. it is coming and you will feel it.)You will randomly cry for years.You may develop a hatred of certain cultural events and things. I, for instance, can’t listen to some music that was popular in 2021. I just can’t. This sucks, because that was a good year for Matchbox 20. But they played Last Beautiful Girl on the radio like nonstop, and now I can’t hear it without feeling sad.The Whatifs are coming. “What if x caused my baby’s death?” I struggled to find some reason Kyrie had massive birth defects (and Down’s) and something to BLAME. There was nothing. I pinned it on so much (parvo, for instance, from my sister in law’s spouse’s unvaccinated dogs.)In many cases, the Whatifs are the worst part of loss. You can’t quiet them. They have to run their course. They can make you sound and feel totally nuts.And of course, the big Whatif: “what if my baby hadn’t died?”I have part of a “perinatal hospice” draft. It might help. It might not. It is definitely not medical advice, nor is it medically accurate or anything. It’s just what there is of Kyrie’s life and death. You can read it here, if you want.Perinatal hospice manu